How I forsee my appointment with my Apple One to One Representative going…
Me: “I need you to know that I am not a Mac person. I find the Apple company elitist and it’s products overly complicated and finicky. I’m a Windows Vista girl myself with a tough-love, brute-force approach to computer troubles. If my computer freezes, I unplug it and take out the battery. Which explains why I was less than thrilled when I recently became the proud owner of a MacBookPro and an iTouch.”
Rep: “Uhhhhh.”
Me: “It also explains why I ruined my new laptop within minutes of starting it up. The only Apple products I’ve ever owned have been the simplest of simple: iPod Shuffles. And I even had trouble with those. They were constantly getting corrupted for no apparent reason and needing to be reset. Your products are not hardy, they are not consistent, or easy to use. This explains why I had to wait weeks to get this appointment. Because everyone else and their mother with an iPod can’t work the damn thing and needs to come in and see you. Frankly, I think it’s a racket to sell a bunch of personal help hours to people who don’t have a degree in modern computer sciences who unwittingly buy your products.”
Rep: “Well—”
Me: “You should also know that if it were up to me, I’d still have that Dell Inspiron that I bought three years ago and was stolen a few months back. Unfortunately, I am not paying the bills, that would be my neurotic, research-happy father who lives and dies by the word of Mac who was seduced by all the well-placed marketing to students. Your company is really very crafty. And it’s kind of ironic. When I was searching my emails to find the One to One membership number he sent me, I actually read the part where he advised me not to try to set up the computer by myself, to just take it straight to you. Funny how we never listen to our parents until it’s too late.”
Rep: “You know…”
Me: “I really only agreed to get a Mac because I heard it was the best for design and hopefully I will be getting the Adobe Creative Suite soon. But I won’t be able to install it unless you can get this disc that I got stuck in there out. Which is why I’m here.”
Rep: Silence
Me: “I really hate your products.”
